Birth into Being

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Stillness is everywhere not only here, within, but also over there.

No-Thingness is pulsing, softly touching and caressing my skin.

It’s presence is gentile and lovingly inviting me in.

My back starts to relax while my mind says: “what to begin?”

‘Sssshhhh’, whispers my heart. Please let us enjoy.

Curl up under the blanket of timelessness and be held in it’s grace.

This quietness is rare. Let’s embrace this visitor, he is sacred and he is here.

 

Soulstirring Spaciousness

Simultaneously arriving

Opening the doors from within, one by one

Undressing me till I am naked

Every breath is revealing me, revealing me more and more

It’s like looking in the eyes of a lover

Being birthed into being, like never before.

The Power of Subtlety

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I am aroused by sensation. I experience myself as I am in a new world. As if I am Sleeping Beauty waking up after 100 years of sleep and realizing I am in a different reality. Kissed awake by my prince sharming named Awareness. Oh boy and I love this new reality! I am IN my body with all of my senses highly activated. My curiousity brings me more and more INsight and most of all more pleasure. The first thing that really got to me this time is the power of subtlety. This new reality is companied with another phase of living life. It’s grounded, connected, slowed down, lot’s of pauses and so much beingness…sometimes many pauses blended together, creating a long pause in which the field of awareness expands and ecstasy exists. It’s over and over tuning into my body, communicating with it. Asking questions, lovingly asking what it desires or needs. It’s beautiful and so amazing when I receive the answer. In the past I had moments like this but now it’s more constant which I consciously choose to embody more and more. Expanding my awareness, increasing my body IQ.

I am just amazed about how much stimulation I can receive if I choose too. For me it has to do about choosing to be touched from the outside. To physically open my skin, cells and self to truly receive that ‘other’. It’s a constant practise to stay open especialy living in a city which can be overwhelming sometimes. But even now writing this blog….just noticing how my fingers feel typing on my laptop, receiving the people walking the streets, the birds I see and hear. Life becomes so much more fascinating when I slow down and look and receive what is. I chose and most of all desired it to happen a long time ago but it feels like I am now ready to receive it. As if I am now more firmly grounded in myself so I can let my defenses down and open. Knowing that I can stay connected and centered in myself when in relationship with the other or that other. This opens another field in which I am touched by the sounds of a bird, the tickling sensation in my spine, the sensation of a voice I hear and the look in somebody’s eyes. The openess is the same as nature is being right now in springtime. Besides that, by becoming more aware of this field of subtlety my intuition grows even more. I feel subtle changes in energy sooner. Subtle shifts in sensations, feelings, emotions. All giving me direction, guidance and answers. Being in my body now, doing my day to day activities feels like I am going out on a playdate with my body over and over again, having fun with sensing sensations! Just reminds me of a child, not needing much to have a great time.

Just for now as you are reading this blog….pause for a moment…sense your breath… your shoulders… sense your sitbones…legs and feet. Sense you arms and fingers, your posture and now….can you receive the sensations you receive from the subtle influences of the color of the letters in this blog, the sounds your computer makes, the light in the room. Activate all your senses (see, feel, taste, hear, smell) and notice what subtle sensations and information you receive through them in this moment. Everything counts, paying attention to the smallest detail. Often times we are mainly focused on what appears in front of us..so now expand your awareness around you, to your backside, underneath, above and at the sides of you. Now from this place of awareness you can also feel things that are maybe a little unpleasant, for example your posture, a sound you hear, your shoes that you have on…anything…notice it and make one change that could give you and your body more pleasure? Make that change and sense again…..Maybe there is a movement you want to make….make it…..and sense again…It’s an ongoing path to more and more pleasure.

On this moment I am playing with choices and tweaking. By tuning in to my bodily sensations I can sense the impact that ‘small things’ have. For example, the color of clothes I am wearing, the food I am eating, how I place a book on the table, the music I am playing, where I sit, what I say, and then having the intent to make life as pleasurable as possible. In this process a lot has to do with self-love and self-care. I notice that my self-love is growing from choosing pleasure. I just came back from a walk in the park and practised this while walking. Sensing my ankle joint, adjusting the placement of my feet (tweak), then holding my shoulders differently (tweak), then releasing my jaw (tweak), then moving my pelvis with more fluidity (tweak) and so on…My body is letting me know, through sensation, what to tweak to create sensational pleasure:-) How cool is that! Walking becomes a massage, a wellness treatment, nourishment for my body&soul. Just give it a try!

Tips for creating pleasure in your daily life: 

  • Pay attention to detail. Look at objects, people, nature, life with curiousity. As if you see it for the first time and let yourself be touched. In Nia we call this, perceiving ‘life as art’. How you use your eyes influences what you receive and how much you receive. The visual I often use to help me soften my eyes and receive ‘the other’ is imagening that my eyeball are laying down in a beach chair.
  • Tweak..tweak and tweak. You can do this whenever and with whatever you are doing. Even moving things in your livingroom and see if you sense more pleasure with this change. Awesome when you are doing your spring cleaning.
  • Create pauses in your day. Slow down. Breath…check-in with your body and ask what it needs or desires. Open yourself through all your sense for what is in the moment. In the beginning it can help to set a alarm as a reminder or choose specific moments such as waking up, or going to bed etc.
  • Create play dates with your body. Go out for a walk and make it the most pleasurable walk you ever had. Dance in your living, go to a Nia class or other movement practise and only choose pleasure. Intimately communicating with your body.

It’s so beautiful to also experience the power of focus and intention. Only two months ago I wrote my first blogpost and I shared my focus and intent for the year 2014…well….it’s happening. Thank you body, thank you mind and thank you Spirit!

That you all may be kissed ‘awake’ through sensation and touched by all that is presented to you right now, right here. If you feel like sharing your experiences, please do!

With love and pleasure,

Esther

The Washing Machine

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Do you also enjoy clean clothes, the smell, the freshness and the brightness of it? I centainly do. I enjoy transforming things from impurity to purity. To create order out of chaos, both businesswise and personally. One of the chores I love doing from beginning till end, is doing the laundry. The washing machine, is the metaphore I am using to discribe the process that regurlarly recurs in my life and I am in for the last two weeks. A process of introspection, cleaning and metamorphoses: soaking, clarification, cleaning, separation, integration and transformation.

Since I am back from America, end of November 2013, I’ve been feeling very happy and abundant in all areas. Everything flowed. I felt no resistance to be in the Netherlands and enjoyed seeing all my friends and family. In December, I could immediately make money in the Netherlands. In January, the words flowed out of me to create my new website and in addition to it, this blog site emerged. I had asked the universe, that if it was important to take a job alongside my ‘Embodiment of Self’ activities, to make this clear to me. Despite my mind who gave me regularly signs that the balance of my account was on the decline, I kept faith and stayed focused on writing and creating my website. I am very happy that I was able to maintain the faith and confidence. Mid-January I launched my website and blog…wow!! After enjoying my accomplishments for a few days, I came in a place of ’emptiness’, the proverbial hole. Something was completed and born at the same time and I felt very clearly that something new was about to happen, without knowing what. A new era had dawned. I didn’t experience the emptiness as pleasant, because it felt cold … ice cold and empty. I stayed for a few days with my mother in the south of Holland. I let myself be pampered and together we celebrated my successes. Thank you Mom! After a few days I returned to Rotterdam in a good spirit. Ready for the next stage …

1. Prewash

Contrary to my expectation that the next step was the planning of activities, another process presented itself. Without being aware of it the washing program apparently had started. It started with the “prewash”. As if the emptiness, which I spoke about earlier, invited me to make myself empty as well and wash myself before proceeding. A fresh new start, so to speak. I, who loves to move ‘forward’ and being busy, find moments of ‘delay’ and introspection difficult at times. In particular, the time the change actually takes place. Because I had other plans, wishes and ideas. I was asked to adapt and surrender to what presented itself so I could be able to flow with the new that announced itself. In the past I would be in a place of resistance for a while but experience has taught me that surrender is a more pleasant way. The prewash for me is the time that my subconscious is moving and I emotionally feel an energy shift. A new movement takes place inside of me. I feel the change, but still can not identify what it is that I perceive. It first needs to be soaked loose and brought to the surface, into my consciousness. I feel differently. I feel physically heavier and more tired than usual. The prewash took me a few days before the ‘main wash’ started.

2. Main Wash

Currently I’m still in this phase. What’s going on in my subconscious comes up to the surface, the stains so to speak. My dissatisfactions, worries and limiting beliefs are becoming clear. The world seems to be up side down for me. Inside of me there are fears, resistance, wishes, feelings of “I should” and grief. In addition, the question “what now?” comes up. These feelings make me realize that I’m not happy with my current situation and I need to make different choices. The nice thing is that now it is clear and I can consciously work with it. I can now talk about it, I can ask myself clear questions and put my beliefs under the microscope so more clarity is created. The main questions that have my interest at this time are: What do I want and what do I need? Essential questions… One new insight I can already share with you: I choose financial security and freedom -> I want a job -> conclusion: time to apply for a new job! (:-) Thank you universe)

Stain Removers 

Sometimes my thoughts just keep spinning and spinning (just like the machine itself). Whenever I am not able to get out if it myself there are fortunately still the ‘stain removers’, my resources. I refer to my dear friends and family. Resources may also include: a coach, therapist, a massage, rituals or other forms of support. Yesterday a good friend came to visit me and we did a wonderful visualization exercise that has brought me insight in my situation, and also inspired me to write this blog. I feel I have some handles again to prepare myself for the next phase of the ‘washing’ process: centrifugation.

3. Centrifugation

A centrifuge is a separator, separating mixtures, according to wikipedia. This also applies to this part of the process. So, what do I take with me and what do I Iet go off? What helps and what hinders me to achieve my goal. This process really askes of me to let go of what no longer serves.

4. Drying 

Yes, this is the time to relax and be proud of myself. A time of integration, enjoying the new, the cleanness, and the resulting brightness. Inhaling and exhaling deeply and smelling the moment. And as we often step out off the Nia class… I visualize my lifepath in front of me, without any obstacles, free to walk with ease and pleasure, and when I’m ready… I take the first step… into my new reality.

Fabric Softner

In this process, the metaphor for self-love, compassion and forgiveness. An essential addition for experiencing mildness in the process.

Finally. I experienced this recurring process often as a drama because I believed and feared that I was doing something wrong. I felt I was failing when another ‘washingprocess’ started. I have come to understand that the drama was caused because I labeled the process wrong. I have chosen to reframe the process: Clothing just needs to be washed once a while… and it’s nice to wear clean, nice smellling clothes!

I Surrender…

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Two words that I am repeating as a mantra the last few days. The last week has been a turbulent one I must say. It felt like a emotinal high intensity time with endings, new beginnings and a sense of emptiness on the background. After launching my new website and blog, I cleaned my whole house and created a new space. This also motivated me to clean my inner space. To let go of what’s no longer serving me. So I chose to consciously let go off one habit and create a new one that’s in alignment with my highest good. ‘I surrender’ are the two words that are helping me in letting go and reprogramming my body and mind. At the beginning of a new year many of us choose to set a goal and often times it’s about letting go of a habbit, creating a more healty, balanced, abundant and happy life. I notice while releasing my habbits my body and mind who are used to a certain way of living come in a state of resistance when I change my moves, my way of thinking and my way of doing. I often time ask myself the question: Why do I sense resistance if I know deep down that the change is for my highest good. I know that eating healthier gives me more energy and I feel more vibrant. I know that through excersizing I receive more mental clarity and strengthen and shape my body. I decided once to meditate every day for 20 minutes. I know from experience that this gives me more inner peace, a better sense of centeredness, clarity, relaxation, energy, a stronger connection with my higher self and so much more. Knowing this out of experience…why… realy why.. do I sense resistance if it’s the third day and I ‘have to’ sit down for 20 minutes:-) I just wonder? There is always this visitor showing up with a beautiful name: RESISTANCE, to become friends with. My habbit is to resist resistance, hahaha, what a paradox. The essence is that on that moment I resist what Is. When the desire to continue the habbit comes up I am fighting mentally and physically with it. “I am not allowed to want it, think it and feel this”. Besides the mental quirrel I sense it physically. My muscles contract. Other examples are that my hand unconsciously turnes into a fist, my breath becomes slightly on the surface, my schoulders and jaw become thight and my solar plexus (stomic) becomes tense. By saying my mantra ‘I surrender’, the fighting stops, the resistance stops. I open myself and the sensations in my body change. Contraction turnes into openess. Stagnant turnes into flowing. Fear changes into Love. A new state of harmony is realized. Even if it’s just for a few seconds. Harmony was there for a moment and allowing becomes a new practise. Allowing what is….welcoming it. Not fighting, or turning my back to it but opening my arms and heart for it. Time after time. Turning the fist into an open hand. Just for now, try it, get a sense of it. Make a strong fist with one hand. Very thight and sense the energy of resistance…. Now open your hand, palm up….sense and breath. Be with it. What do you feel now and where do you feel it? Out of my own experience by welcoming the resistance, the fear, or any emotion….it disappears! Just like that. We are true magicians you know!

The soul-mate of resistance named ACCEPTANCE is the way to bring harmony. It brings me into the now, present with what is. I experience acceptance as warm, loving and most of all opening. In the last week while paying attention to my ‘pyshical resistance symptons’ I noticed more moments of resisting what is. It’s there…. just watch it. I am still surpriced how often this visitor appears. I would like to invite you to give yourself one day to notice your resistances. In one day I could resist the alarm clock going off, a conversation I was in, making a phonecall, sending an email, cooking, even dancing… so much resistance. It made it very clear that resistance is the jumping off place for experiencing Love, Self-love.

Everytime when I have a craving, a desire, a tention that’s not in alignment with my higher good or my intention, I say: ‘I surrender’. And it feels like a warm stream of water running down via my heart, arms, hands, through my legs and feet into the earth. And it relaxes, opens me for the moment. Being with….instead of fighting against. You can apply this to every life situation. 

I also sense by using the mantra ‘I surrender’ support from something greater then me. Before I choose to let go of something I ask the angels or the universe to support me, to help me to let go with ease and grace. I trust this higher power and it’s support. The knowingness that I am not doing it alone and being supported makes the matra even more powerful to me. The power of change increases. Asking for support….another thing I am learning to empower and embody mySelf. So transformation for me is embracing resistance and embodying acceptance and surrender. 

In Nia™ (a body centered movement practise I teach) we work with nine movement forms. One of them is Aikido and this a perfect movement form to transform resistance. Nia™ discribes Aikido as: ‘Harmonious Spherical Motion’. While practising it, it represents: going with the flow, flowing, constant motion, dancing with what is, circulair, using what is for your own benifit, sensing harmony, being open, receptive and moving from center. These are the qualities you can sense within your body if your are in acceptance. I am checking in through the day. Am I open? Are my joints open? My muscles? Is energy flowing through my body or is there a place that is in resistance and creating a blockage.  Breathing to this specific area is one of the tools I use to open it up again. Visualizing a door or window opening is another tool, but being present with it is often already enough. Just notice what happens if you even add a mantra to it! Stand up, sense it…move it …in your living room or where ever you are. 

What are you resisting? How does resistance feel in your body? and what helps you in becoming open…becoming acceptant? Let’s play with it! 

There are two books I can recommeand when you would like to play more with resistance and acceptance: opening yourself for change. 

1) The Anatomy of Change, A Way to Move Through Life’s Transitions, by Richard Strozzi Heckler

2) The Sedona Method, Your Key to Lasting Happiness, Success, Peace and Emotional Well-Being, by Hale Dwoskin – 

PS: and when you choose to go back for a moment to your old habbit or addiction. Know that it is the ‘jumping off place’ for creating what you truly desire, over and over again. A place that invites you to even love yourself more so you can guide change with gentleness. 

In Love and light,

Esther   

The First Step

Some time ago I asked myself: What if I was lying on my death-bed? What would I regret? This question came to me after waking up several images-1times with a deep awareness that this might be my last day here on earth. This realization released a feeling in me that, if I try to put it into words, I can only describe as a bomb of Love exploding in my chest, spreading through my body and almost launched to much energy and emotion for my body to process. A sensation that breaks all limits and restrictions and gives my heart wings, like the universe is opening before my eyes and invites me to breath It deeply in and out. The answer to the question above came directly, clearly spoken and clear tangible to me. If I would die now, I would be very sad and regret deeply that I never fully loved myself. This was a very painful realization for me and it touched me deeply.This instantly made it very clear to me on what I wanted to focus my attention. Yes, my deepest desire is to fully love myself!

A new year is always a good time for me to ask myself on what I want to focus. After the realization above I hereby set my focus and intention for 2014.

Focus: I inhabit my body in Love and Light

Intention: Embodyment of myself, my essence

During my geographical and inner journeys it became very clear that for me there is nothing more important in this life than to fully embody myself. I don’t want to leave this life without being able to fully sense myself and accomplish my mission, the reason why I am here on earth. To achieve this I will do my very best to live in Truth, beyond my fears, free myself from the opinion of others, follow my heart and love myself unconditionally. Looking back on my youth and myself as a child, I see a girl that took life and herself very serious. All my life I have been fascinated by the theme of ‘transformation’. Since I never esteemed myself as good enough I was very passionate to keep on transforming myself to perfection. This not only took place on a fysical level but also on an essential level. Out of this passion I read many self-help books and worked very ‘hard’ on myself. Aiming for perfection is a full-time job I can assure you and will never come to an end 🙂 My aspiration for perfection came from a big need for approval from others.

Because I aimed for perfection and approval I never learned to ask myself: ‘What do you really want, Esther?’ “If it hasn’t got to be perfect and the oppinions of others doesn’t count, than what do you want to do?’ In the last two years I have received several answers. One of them is: ‘I want to write”. For quite some time it is my dream to write. Fear of rejection and not being “good” enough hold it off. In the past few years I offen talked about it with others, full of passion and enthousiasm. Plenty of ideas and subjects. Several people told me I should DO it. ‘Make your first step!, start Esther!’ While writing I come to the conclusion that embodiment besides Being also equals doing. By not putting a hearts desire into practise I cannot embody that part of mySelf. I actually belief that desires from the heart are the voice of our being, letting us know what wants to be lived, what wants to be experienced in this earthly realm. When we ignore this we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to fully experience ourselves. For one person it can be writing, for another it can be gardening, dancing, painting or making music etc. By folowing my heart en meet her needs I make my intangible being, my essence, visible. Doing so I am the bridge between the invisible and the visible, between heaven and earth. And how do I do this?……by making my first step! 2014 is the year in which I invite myself to Now Do what I have been dreaming off for years. Writing is one of my dreams. And hereby I make my first step! And……..what is your first step?

Happy New Year! or as I read somewhere: ” Happy Now Here”